Lost in the Labyrinth

Well, since I’ve finally found time in my life for blogging again, I’ve tried to remain pretty upbeat, concentrating on all the things in my life that are good. However, as a backdrop to these things, there have been some pretty crap circumstances that have left me, at times, feeling pretty low.

So far, I’ve deliberately shied away from talking about them in my blog as (to be honest) I get bored of hearing myself complaining about how crap I feel without inflicting it on others. However, although I’ve not really come to terms with how things are, I am more able to talk about it without complaining too much now. To be honest, I’d never heard of the condition I’ve ended up with or how awful it is, so to let other people know about it just seems right.

I’ve just re-read that paragraph and it makes my issues sound serious and in reality, they really aren’t. However, they do have a huge, life changing impact and it’s this that I’m struggling to come to terms with.

Basically, a couple of months ago, I started feeling a little ‘vague’ and struggling to concentrate, followed by quite intense pains in the left side of my head. As well as this, I then started to get shortness of breath and pins & needles in my face & limbs. As you can imagine, I felt pretty scared about all of these symptoms, but just put them down to stress. I tried not to panic and assume the worst though and went to the doctors to try to get it sorted out. However, things weren’t as simple as I’d thought. The doctor asked me to get some blood tests done and then come back to see him. This kind of worried me a bit as it meant in all likelihood that there wouldn’t be a simple answer. So, I had the tests done and nervously waited for the results.

After a week or so, I went back to find out the results and to my huge relief, they were clear of anything sinister. However, since my previous visit, my symptoms had worsened and I’d had a rather worrying attack of ‘vertigo’ or dizziness on the way to the station one night that had resulted in me falling over. From this point as well, the pains and numb patches has become increasingly worse too.

So, although the blood screening was clear, there was clearly still an issue.

The doctor to be very fair to him was excellent, asking me all kinds of questions about stuff that seemed (to me) irrelevant but were clearly a means to a diagnosis. After a seemingly endless list of questions, it turned out that I have Labyrinthitis – a nasty middle ear infection. In conjunction with this, I was suffering from increased levels of anxiety that were exacerbating the problem.

So, when I heard that it was nothing more serious than an ear infection I instantly felt cheered, but needed to know more about why I was feeling so dizzy. The doctor explained that labyrinthitis affects the tubes in the middle ear that control balance, the swelling of which cause very serious issues with balance and quite often sight. Clearly, this was something slightly more sinister than ‘just another ear infection’. So, over the past couple of months, my quality of life has gone seriously awry. Just walking around normally without feeling that a) I’m going to fall over or b) I’m going to be sick is a real challenge. The ‘vertigo’ (very similar to spinning bed syndrome when you’ve had a few too many drinks) hits me when I least expect it. Walking around, sitting at my desk, watching tv, anywhere. Add to this the fact that I am quite prone to anxiety and this has now gone into overdrive and you get a very unhappy situation.

The worst thing about it is that no-one else can see the problem, nor are there any outward signs that there is a problem. Consequently, it’s very easy for others to forget that I even have a problem. Also, it never, ever goes away. From when I wake up in the morning, to last thing at night, I feel distant and vague at the very least, like living my life through a long lens made with frosted glass. At worst I have at least one attack of vertigo which boosts the anxiety levels, making me feel like all my muscles are cramping and triggering the numbness. This really does suck. I’ve read that it could take anything from a month to several years to go, or maybe not at all. I’m hoping that it is sooner rather than later because at the moment, I’m struggling. Perhaps it will get better over time, I don’t know, but whatever happens, I won’t let it beat me. There are people out there with things far worse than this and I try to think about that to make myself stop moaning.

I have plenty of wonderful things in my life; my wife, my kids, my friends. Eventually, I (we) will beat this one way or another.

So, if anyone you know has this hideous condition listen to them, reassure them, tell them they’ll be ok. It’s something that will scare the pants off them, but with the support of friends, they’ll come through it.

:-)

Unexpected Catharsis

So, over the past week I’ve started to get myself organised again. Finally!!

It’s weird how life seems to go through peeks and troughs of nonsense that allow / prevent you doing stuff that you enjoy. Weird, and frustrating as hell! I guess much of the issue is the fact that a wonderful home life centred around two young children is rarely stable or predictable.

However, at the moment, there is a lull, so I can actually think. And as ever, when I think, I write . . .

At the moment, my thoughts have been taken up with an amazing ps3 game called Heavy Rain. The last week has been a bit of a blur of moral decisions, drama and ultimately, (unfortunately), absolute frustration.

Heavy Rain is the kind of game that I would normally overlook. Not my usual outlet at all. It’s a kind of interactive drama –like watching a movie, but being able to influence its course. The game follows the story of the Origami Killer, a serial killer stalking an American city, taking children and drowning them in rainwater.

You take the role of a number of the lead characters, making decisions on their behalves and carrying out a range of actions for them. These actions can be the most mundane of tasks, like setting a table, playing with your kids etc, or life and death scenarios such as fighting off a crazed drug dealer. This though, I think is the essence of what makes this game so good and so playable. Carrying out all the simple actions, opening doors, making an omelette, taking a shower. All of these actions help you ‘form’ the characters’ personalities yourself, giving you a real sense of attachment to them.

As well as all these simple actions, there are decisions to be made along the way. What to look at, who to talk to, what about, what to do based on a conversation etc. These decisions will all directly influence how the game ends and with that comes a real sense of responsibility. There have been several times this week when I have been paralysed be indecision due to moral dilemmas. Can I hurt myself to save my child – of course. Can I hurt someone else to save my child? Could I kill someone? These moral decisions are made all the more real by having kids myself and to be honest, some of them were quite uncomfortable to think about.
I also found myself becoming really attached to characters, and at one point, after a reckless decision I ended up killing one of them – I felt a genuine guilt and not a little anger for letting her down – stupid I know, but the game really draws you in.

So who is the Origami killer? Well, (and this is the absolutely infuriatingly frustrating part!!) the game has bugs – major bugs. I was probably ¾ the way through, hot on the heels of the killer, desperately sad that I’d let down one of the main characters, leading her into a fatal situation, and I came to load the game for the evening’s play – nothing! The game save was corrupt! I was absolutely furious, frustrated, incensed! I was so cross that I wouldn’t get to discover the identity of the killer; to find out if my other characters made it; to find out if I could get my son back alive. I checked some forums and found that this is a common problem. There are a lot of frustrated people out there – just like me. For me though, this amazingly wasn’t an absolute game-breaker. I felt so involved with the scenarios in the game and the characters, that despite this major flaw, I still love this game.

So, do I spend another £6 at blockbuster tonight to rent it for another week . . . of course I do. I’ve become so involved with the characters and the plot; I need to get to the end. I need to find the origami killer and save Shaun . . .