Lost in the Labyrinth

Well, since I’ve finally found time in my life for blogging again, I’ve tried to remain pretty upbeat, concentrating on all the things in my life that are good. However, as a backdrop to these things, there have been some pretty crap circumstances that have left me, at times, feeling pretty low.

So far, I’ve deliberately shied away from talking about them in my blog as (to be honest) I get bored of hearing myself complaining about how crap I feel without inflicting it on others. However, although I’ve not really come to terms with how things are, I am more able to talk about it without complaining too much now. To be honest, I’d never heard of the condition I’ve ended up with or how awful it is, so to let other people know about it just seems right.

I’ve just re-read that paragraph and it makes my issues sound serious and in reality, they really aren’t. However, they do have a huge, life changing impact and it’s this that I’m struggling to come to terms with.

Basically, a couple of months ago, I started feeling a little ‘vague’ and struggling to concentrate, followed by quite intense pains in the left side of my head. As well as this, I then started to get shortness of breath and pins & needles in my face & limbs. As you can imagine, I felt pretty scared about all of these symptoms, but just put them down to stress. I tried not to panic and assume the worst though and went to the doctors to try to get it sorted out. However, things weren’t as simple as I’d thought. The doctor asked me to get some blood tests done and then come back to see him. This kind of worried me a bit as it meant in all likelihood that there wouldn’t be a simple answer. So, I had the tests done and nervously waited for the results.

After a week or so, I went back to find out the results and to my huge relief, they were clear of anything sinister. However, since my previous visit, my symptoms had worsened and I’d had a rather worrying attack of ‘vertigo’ or dizziness on the way to the station one night that had resulted in me falling over. From this point as well, the pains and numb patches has become increasingly worse too.

So, although the blood screening was clear, there was clearly still an issue.

The doctor to be very fair to him was excellent, asking me all kinds of questions about stuff that seemed (to me) irrelevant but were clearly a means to a diagnosis. After a seemingly endless list of questions, it turned out that I have Labyrinthitis – a nasty middle ear infection. In conjunction with this, I was suffering from increased levels of anxiety that were exacerbating the problem.

So, when I heard that it was nothing more serious than an ear infection I instantly felt cheered, but needed to know more about why I was feeling so dizzy. The doctor explained that labyrinthitis affects the tubes in the middle ear that control balance, the swelling of which cause very serious issues with balance and quite often sight. Clearly, this was something slightly more sinister than ‘just another ear infection’. So, over the past couple of months, my quality of life has gone seriously awry. Just walking around normally without feeling that a) I’m going to fall over or b) I’m going to be sick is a real challenge. The ‘vertigo’ (very similar to spinning bed syndrome when you’ve had a few too many drinks) hits me when I least expect it. Walking around, sitting at my desk, watching tv, anywhere. Add to this the fact that I am quite prone to anxiety and this has now gone into overdrive and you get a very unhappy situation.

The worst thing about it is that no-one else can see the problem, nor are there any outward signs that there is a problem. Consequently, it’s very easy for others to forget that I even have a problem. Also, it never, ever goes away. From when I wake up in the morning, to last thing at night, I feel distant and vague at the very least, like living my life through a long lens made with frosted glass. At worst I have at least one attack of vertigo which boosts the anxiety levels, making me feel like all my muscles are cramping and triggering the numbness. This really does suck. I’ve read that it could take anything from a month to several years to go, or maybe not at all. I’m hoping that it is sooner rather than later because at the moment, I’m struggling. Perhaps it will get better over time, I don’t know, but whatever happens, I won’t let it beat me. There are people out there with things far worse than this and I try to think about that to make myself stop moaning.

I have plenty of wonderful things in my life; my wife, my kids, my friends. Eventually, I (we) will beat this one way or another.

So, if anyone you know has this hideous condition listen to them, reassure them, tell them they’ll be ok. It’s something that will scare the pants off them, but with the support of friends, they’ll come through it.

:-)

Hitting the Mark

After a gap of at least 12 years, I finally made it back to the archery range this weekend and it really wasn’t a disappointment!

I was, in truth, nervous on Saturday when I arrived at the club. I kind of hoped that there would only be a few people there so I could ease myself back into the sport with minimal fuss . . . Not a bit of it, the place was packed with probably 30 – 40 people of all ages. OK, so no easing myself in then!

After introducing myself to the club owners (who were lovely and couldn’t have been more welcoming), I showed my bow, proved that I knew what to do with it, and was ready to shoot. I’d earmarked a nice 10m target that the juniors were shooting on but unfortunately Brian, the club co-owner had a different idea! A 25m target with a 60cm face – well this should be interesting (especially without my glasses!). So, I gave it a go. Aim, draw, loose! Incredibly, I hit the boss – I even hit the target – I was thrilled. It felt like starting the sport all over again – the buzz of getting somewhere near where I was aiming was huge. Amazingly satisfying.

Of course, over the next couple of hours, not all of my shots were great – some were completely pants in fact, but given that I hadn’t shot for 12 years, I was happy enough with hitting the boss.

My one concern for the day was that over the past 12 years, the muscles I use for archery have dwindled away (clearly!) and I now feel that my old bow is too heavy for me. So, now I’m in a quandary. I don’t want to spend a load of money on a new bow (they’re not cheap!), but equally, being ‘over-bowed’ is not good for an archer (especially beginners – which I kind of class myself as, as I’m returning and my ‘archery muscles’ are undeveloped). So, what should I do? I don’t want to struggle with my current bow so that I can’t form the right shooting patterns again, but I don’t want to find that I get a new lighter bow and then in a few months once I have my rhythm & strength back need my old bow again. So what to do?

I desperately need advice on this one so might have to make a few posts on archery forums to get a few opinions. I really fancy a new bow (simply because I love gadgets) but is it really necessary? I actually really like my old bow, a lovely KG1 with a green metallic riser and to be honest, although it’s now well out of date, it still does a great job. I just don’t know if you can ‘grow into’ a draw weight on a bow. I don’t want to keep struggling on with it and find that I can’t shoot as well as I used to because I can’t handle the weight. I’d rather sell it and use something I’m more comfortable with. So we’ll see. I have a couple of weeks to make up my mind as there’s no archery this weekend. Lots of poring over Archer websites in the meantime no doubt . . .

A Welcome Return

This weekend I’m making another positive step in attempting to improve my life and hopefully my health. It has been over 12 years since I’ve done any field archery but this weekend will (I hope) be the first of its resurgence in my life.

Due to one thing and another, my health over the past six years has not been the best and that reason above all others has been a driving factor in me addressing what is really important in my life. There are so many things that I have put on hold to make way for (primarily) work and of course, family. However, as I get older, I realise that there should be a balance, and prioritising myself and my own health and welfare need to be in there somewhere too. So, archery is making a welcome return, initially to my life, but hopefully soon to my wife’s and when they’re old enough, my kids’ too. Archery is a great sport that the whole family can take part in.

I first started Archery in the early 1990s when I was at University. One weekend when Annie was at her local leisure centre doing a fitness class, I noticed a poster for an archery beginners’ course. I’d always been interested in archery and had fancied a go, so I decided that this was the thing for me. So, over the next 6 weeks or so, I became completely hooked on the sport. I also read up and decided that standing on a shooting line was not really for me. Fortunately, one of my very dear friends and his family already shot longbow so I knew about an alternative form of the sport, field archery. This, with my love of the countryside and wildlife (although the irony that you are shooting at targets shaped like, or depicting fluffy creatures is not lost on me!) seemed like an ideal fusion.

So, during one of my uni breaks, I approached Silvertree Field Archers in Lincoln (a club that I think is sadly not still going). They were immediately welcoming and friendly and I settled there really quickly.
I mentioned before that archery is a family sport and to prove this, within a few weeks of joining Silvertree, my dad, Annie and my father in law and my best friend had all become involved in the archery community as well. From this point, I really became immersed in the sport, spending as much time as I could practicing and reading about it. Within a few months, I wanted to take part in organised shoots and made the plunge at Charnwood Archers in Leicestershire. I can’t really remember how I did at the shoot (not very well I’m sure) but I loved the experience!

Field Archery can be done by more or less anyone. It is more difficult for young kids (because of the strain of drawing the bows) and disabled archers (who may find the terrain difficult), but generally, anyone can take part.
There are three commonly used types (styles) of bow; Recurve, Compund and Traditional (including English Longbow and Flat Bow). All of these can be used with varying degrees of gadgetry and add ons according to the governing body’s class system, from the self explanatory ‘barebow’ class to the ultra technical ‘unlimited’ class.

There are also various ‘rounds’ you can shoot as a field archer; Field, Hunter, Animal and 3D. The first two are shot at circular targets (like target archery but in woods) and the second two are at representations of animals to closely mirror bowhunting. Many field archers prefer the latter two because of the (often) challenging placement of targets and the varying location of the ‘bullseye’ (a term never used in archery!!) on each target. The latter two definitely offer the greatest challenge and are also great fun.

Basically, I can’t wait for this weekend. Archery is a fantastic sport and something I can’t wait to get back to.

Links: NFAS
EFAA

A Good Result

Poker is such a fickle game. Fortunes (and bragging rights!) can be won and lost on the turn of a card. Well, this weekend, the cards turned in my favour and I’m happy. I actually felt I played as well as I could and got the results I deserved – not something that happens especially often in poker games (or at least the ones I’m involved in)!

So, Saturday night saw a new venue for us, with a first visit to my friend’s new house in Knottingley. For the first time ever as well, we managed to muster seven players which was awesome. Such a contrast to the usual fast dynamic of our five player games.

After anticipating this night for so long, it was great to finally get there and get going. We got the cards in the air around 9.30pm and everyone seemed to make a cautious start to the game – not wanting to make too many moves too early. To be fair, the general standard among us, with a couple of exceptions, is reasonably ok, so the careful start was to be expected.

A few hands in though, with the blinds still only at level two, (10, 20 out of a 3k stack) the best, and most aggressive player at the table started making what I thought were a few bold moves. He is well known for playing fast, aggressive, power poker but by the same token, we all know he doesn’t need a hand to do it. So, I decided to play the role of Sheriff for the night and keep him honest. Unfortunately, this didn’t work out so well. To be honest I was a little reckless, re-raising (twice) with air when he actually had a hand. Fortunately, I bailed out once I realised this but had bluffed off half my stack trying to catch him out.

So, from this point on for me, it was a bit of a grind, and then, as the blinds got bigger, a case of pushing in good spots and getting my chips in ahead. Amazingly, I managed to play pretty well (in my opinion) and get myself into a position of being average chipped with two people out. From here, I knew I had to up my game and actively start to accumulate chips and go for the win. So, as the blinds escalated, I played more and more aggressively, even taking down an amazing bluff hand (for a huge pot), pushing top two pair off her hand – brilliant, a real buzz – I showed the bluff too (nasty!)

However, the win was not to be. I was just too far behind and the luck wasn’t with me. I did manage to get heads up, but my 1:2 chip deficit was just too much and I ended up second – a good result considering my start though.

We started the second game around 1.30am with shorter stacks and faster blinds – really fun poker. Play hands or get blinded out – fast! There were a lot of flops, a lot of all ins and a lot of chips changing hands.
Fortunately for me, I got a few hands initially and that meant I could be pretty dominant throughout the second game. I never got my chips in for my tournament life and actively tried to knock people out. This meant a few stack swings, but it paid off in the end with me eventually hitting a one outer heads up to take the game down. This was a bit rough on my friend, but that’s the way poker goes. I’ve had a few inflicted on me in the past and I’m sure it’ll happen again, so I’ll take it when it falls for me.

The poker finally came to an end around 3.30am, bringing to an end a really fun night, made all the better by the fact that I’d bagged the most league points for the night and the bragging rights for the next month.

Roll on the next game in May!

Bragging Rights at Stake

Since completing Heavy Rain earlier this week, I’ve been pretty restrained with the PS3. My focus instead has turned towards the weekend and my monthly poker match with my work buddies.

I really look forward to these nights – starting late & finishing in the not so early hours of the morning, it is like a proper gambling den experience – the chips, the baize, the smoke, but without any money exchanging hands. You see, the friends I play with are all Muslims and so, it’s against their religion to gamble. However, we play for something far less superficial than money – bragging rights. We have a league system and award points for the various finishing positions. To go out first on one of our nights is awful – you just know the next month will be filled with taunts. I’d much rather lose a tenner to be honest!

So anyway, this week I have been practicing hard, getting my head into the poker mindset, tuning my thoughts so (hopefully) I can keep my rash decisions to a minimum. The last couple of nights I’ve played a few matches on PKR. A couple of freerolls, a $1 sit & go and for the first time ever, a Pot Limit Omaha (PLO) freeroll.
We usually play the most commonly televised format of the game, Texas Hold-em in our monthly games, so I tend to concentrate on that form of the game. To be honest, I’m ok at it – not good by any means – but I can hold my own. I’ve turned $20 into $40 over the course of a year just through playing small sit & gos & freerolls. To be honest, I feel too pressured if I play at any of the higher stakes and I just enjoy the game, rather than the winning of money, so if I can play in a 2500 seater tourney for most of the night, but don’t win anything I’m happy. I just love the game.

Anyway, I digress. Last night, after watching Durrrr and Zigmund play some PLO in the Durrrr challenge, I decided to give it a go. There was a PLO freeroll up at 10pm and I thought, hey let see what happens. To be honest, for the first 30 minutes or so, I was pretty confused. There just seem to be so many more potential hands with PLO. I found putting my opponent on a hand really hard. However, after a while, I realised that the fact that there are 4 hole cards is more or less irrelevant, the 5 card poker hand that your opponent ends up with is the most important thing and as long as you are aware of what is potentially beating you on the board (like Texas Hold-em) you really don’t go too far wrong. After I’d realised this, I felt a lot more comfortable and I got reasonably deep – 323rd out of 1500. I was pretty happy.

So, perhaps a few games more over the next couple of days and I’ll be ready for the big event on Saturday night. Let’s hope so. The gloating will be unbearable if not!

The End of Heavy Rain

After very little thought at all, I spent the six quid . . . and I’m really glad I did.

Surprisingly, I felt really enthused about playing the game again on Friday night and absolutely flew through some of the stuff I’d done before. By Saturday, I’d reached the point where the game had crashed previously so I made the decision to play through to the end, no matter how long it took. There was no way I was going to lose my save again without getting to the end.

What an intense experience. I was so incredibly absorbed by Heavy Rain and the pursuit of the origami killer that when I finally reached then end, I felt absolutely drained. I can honestly say that this game has been one of the few games that has genuinely affected me emotionally. I guess twenty years ago, that may not have been the case, but having kids of my own, I could really empathise with Ethan Mars and the other characters’ desire to save Shaun.

So, now I have my life back, I can get on with thinking about real life . . .

Unexpected Catharsis

So, over the past week I’ve started to get myself organised again. Finally!!

It’s weird how life seems to go through peeks and troughs of nonsense that allow / prevent you doing stuff that you enjoy. Weird, and frustrating as hell! I guess much of the issue is the fact that a wonderful home life centred around two young children is rarely stable or predictable.

However, at the moment, there is a lull, so I can actually think. And as ever, when I think, I write . . .

At the moment, my thoughts have been taken up with an amazing ps3 game called Heavy Rain. The last week has been a bit of a blur of moral decisions, drama and ultimately, (unfortunately), absolute frustration.

Heavy Rain is the kind of game that I would normally overlook. Not my usual outlet at all. It’s a kind of interactive drama –like watching a movie, but being able to influence its course. The game follows the story of the Origami Killer, a serial killer stalking an American city, taking children and drowning them in rainwater.

You take the role of a number of the lead characters, making decisions on their behalves and carrying out a range of actions for them. These actions can be the most mundane of tasks, like setting a table, playing with your kids etc, or life and death scenarios such as fighting off a crazed drug dealer. This though, I think is the essence of what makes this game so good and so playable. Carrying out all the simple actions, opening doors, making an omelette, taking a shower. All of these actions help you ‘form’ the characters’ personalities yourself, giving you a real sense of attachment to them.

As well as all these simple actions, there are decisions to be made along the way. What to look at, who to talk to, what about, what to do based on a conversation etc. These decisions will all directly influence how the game ends and with that comes a real sense of responsibility. There have been several times this week when I have been paralysed be indecision due to moral dilemmas. Can I hurt myself to save my child – of course. Can I hurt someone else to save my child? Could I kill someone? These moral decisions are made all the more real by having kids myself and to be honest, some of them were quite uncomfortable to think about.
I also found myself becoming really attached to characters, and at one point, after a reckless decision I ended up killing one of them – I felt a genuine guilt and not a little anger for letting her down – stupid I know, but the game really draws you in.

So who is the Origami killer? Well, (and this is the absolutely infuriatingly frustrating part!!) the game has bugs – major bugs. I was probably ¾ the way through, hot on the heels of the killer, desperately sad that I’d let down one of the main characters, leading her into a fatal situation, and I came to load the game for the evening’s play – nothing! The game save was corrupt! I was absolutely furious, frustrated, incensed! I was so cross that I wouldn’t get to discover the identity of the killer; to find out if my other characters made it; to find out if I could get my son back alive. I checked some forums and found that this is a common problem. There are a lot of frustrated people out there – just like me. For me though, this amazingly wasn’t an absolute game-breaker. I felt so involved with the scenarios in the game and the characters, that despite this major flaw, I still love this game.

So, do I spend another £6 at blockbuster tonight to rent it for another week . . . of course I do. I’ve become so involved with the characters and the plot; I need to get to the end. I need to find the origami killer and save Shaun . . .